I saw Nava today. We were both volunteering at the same location… exactly as we did 3 years ago. So bittersweet as this may be the last time I see her. I’ll no longer be volunteering there. We live in the same neighborhood, only blocks from each other, but still.. Her one and only phrase to me? “Sometimes we all stay where we are because we feel we are stuck there, there’s always a reason.” Not sure if that was about me, her, us…
Done rambling. Thanks for reading
Somehow, for some reason, I made it. Apparently, according to the surgeon, it was bigger and badder than he anticipated, but I made it. In fact? His skill and my.. hrm.. my ethic (almost a laughable word to use on this blog) had me home 97 hours after I woke up despite being told I’d be in the hospital 2-3 weeks. No idea how or why I survived, maybe I’ll figure it out.
Surprisingly, Nava didn’t come see me.. Oh, well, there’s always next time. 🙂
In a few weeks, I will be having a major, “very risky” (according to the surgeon) surgery. I knew it was coming, but it is far more intense than I thought it was going to be. My wife? She doesn’t seem to really care. I think that’s her coping mechanisim – denial. She jokes about it, but this is actually pretty serious. I’m not scared of death, at all. There’s many days I wish I wouldn’t wake up, as I’ve said. I’m scared of not leaving things, my family prepared though, taken care of. I’m scared of the unknown. I’m scared of being in worse pain after the surgery.
I talked to Nava, I HAD to talk to Nava and let her know of it. She said she would pray for me. I said thanks, but wanted to say more. I wanted to say “It’s you, it’s always been YOU. I love you.” but I just said.. thanks.. and smiled.
Anyways, I could be more artistic or introspective, but don’t feel like it. Emotionally, mentally, physically, I really haven’t felt like much of anything – even sex. I just.. want.. to be done, with it all, and sometimes even with life. I just want it done. I want.. Nava.
I’ve wondered where all the affair bloggers from 2 years ago have gone, are at. Me? Still floundering like a fish out of water. I have my days where I want to not wake up, and my days where I want to destroy something beautiful. I have days I wish I could do my life over again, but then I also realize I’d do it all the same, exactly the same. I have days I feel okay with myself and days, I realize how much I royally fuck up everything I come in contact with. Regardless… every day.. I think of Nava, even fucking still, I think of her.
To be honest.. I don’t know. ::sigh:: Where do I begin this update?
I haven’t spoken with Nava since last August… until a week ago. We just passed each other in the hall at school, but it was enough for me to see her hurt, her pain. She won’t tell me, but I can just see it, feel it. Naturally, I had one of those dreams of her a few days later where I wake up in tears.. not because of the dream, but because it WAS just a dream. I think I’m pretty much over her… until shit like this and then realize I could very easily be back in her arms.. However, now I know I will just always be a stop-gap for her and will never be anything more.
My wife and I… Hmm. Well, we got each other our VD cards for the 14th. Having fought the night before, she deliberately didn’t open mine until noon.. I wrote apologies and how I’m a shit husband, etc… she simply signed her name. This August will be 2 years of me sleeping on the couch. We’ve talked about divorce a couple of times. She brought it up both times, and somehow, by the end of the convo, I was apologizing for bringing it up – I’ll let you figure that one out.
Soon, one of my favorite bands is coming to town (song below). That was my Christmas gift from my wife. This will be hard as this was THE band I listened to nonstop when Nava left me. Not sure how to feel about this.. is it a date? ::shrug::
Still not sure what my future holds. I took a break from the blogworld, and not officially sure I’m back, to sort some things out.. but that’s Where I’ve Been… Carry on, people, nothing to see here.
I haven’t posted anything in a long, long time and probably have no followers and that’s okay.. I didn’t start all of this shit ass journey for followers. My life is still the same… living as I can, sleeping on the couch, being happy for the kids… yet still in love with a married woman. It’s been 505 days since we were last together, but who the fuck is counting? Enjoy this beautiful song…
Oh, and I’m sorry…to whomever
I have been crazy busy lately with a lot of changes in the homelife. I will likely update on that later. I’ve seen Nava a lot lately and, well… yep, I still love her. Oh well..
I have been haunted this week. I was haunted with Nava’s words as I got sucked into the vortex of reading old emails. I was haunted by hopes of Nava based on a subconscious dream I had, but what a beautiful dream. And, today, I am haunted by this song, “I can’t take my mind off of you.” The last line makes me laugh every time though. I get it, I do, but it still makes me laugh. I’ve been told multiple times that I am either primed for another affair or should have another affair, but that last line, the irony of it makes me smile. Still, beautiful lyrics, voice and music… Enjoy.
Yeah… this song… brings tears to my fucked up eyes…