About Time (hold on, this is a LONG post)

Yes, that’s a good movie, but that’s not what this post is about. It’s.. about time – I’ve moved out and am getting a divorce 6 weeks from tomorrow. If you’ve read my blog at all, I said I wouldn’t get a divorce, because of the kids and for financial reasons.

Well, 2 days before my birthday, my wife threatened me with a divorce again. Then she started with her all-to-common list of all the “horrible” things I do (i.e. give her a budget, tell the kids no, etc.). I rebutted with that I needed her to see me as my partner, see me as her equal, not demean me in front of the kids. She said she had nothing to work on and does everything right. So – I said then I guess the only other choice IS a divorce.

Reason one, because of the kids: My daughter returned to counseling and told the counselor she wanted us to divorce. The same counselor met with my wife, once, and later told me she has no idea how I’m this emotionally intact after dealing with her for years. So, the plan was in motion – I’d be out by January. Now even the kids realized how indifferent, how toxic the house had become, so it was time.

Reason two, financial constraints: Divo and I tried to divide up the debt. She blamed me.. she blamed me for all our debt WE had accumulated over the last 20+ years. She tried to say I had to pay back all the debt, AND the house. So, instead – we filed chapter 13, and only have the house (and Ch13 trustee) to pay now. So, the plan was still in motion.

I spoke with a lawyer before I moved out. I cannot afford the attorney, but she advised me to hurry up and file before moving out so Divo didn’t accuse me of abandonment. I found there is a free law help center in my town and they helped me file everything. I went ahead and filed the child support paperwork as well. We will have (per the kids request, no matter how hard it was for Divo to swallow it) 50/50.  So… I only have to pay her $59 a month. However, I’m paying her $200 a month.

Last week, I got her “response” to all of this. Apparently she used a friend of a friend who is a paralegal to help file it. I wish I knew HER name b/c I doubt her law firm would appreciate the illegality of helping her free of charge. Anyway, she did what she always does – rack up debt, and want me to pay it. Her response included a) she wants me to pay her lawyer fees (even though we, or I, are not using a lawyer) and b) alimony. Here in my state, that’s not mandatory and requires her filing the proper paperwork, which she has not done. Plus, she’s working, so won’t be getting much… oh, PLUS?? lol – she’s keeping the car, the house, the 5 tvs, all the furniture, the…. well, she’s keeping it ALL. So, good luck!

So, that’s the update on the process, now the update on me. I’m still working my main job, but have been working “part time” at an animal shelter.  I say “part time” b/c I’ve managed to pull in 30-49 hours a week (on top of my other job).  I love this job, I wish it could be my only job, but it can’t pay the bill. However, this is the MOST rewarding job I’ve ever had. Damn, I love this job. Plus? It helps me buy all the things I need for this new apartment for the kids and I. PLUS – I love it. 🙂

Update on Nava? Oh, sure, let’s see – ironically my wife started going to a new church…. the one where Nava is employed. She and her husband both tried to convince me to convince them to have her not go there (silly them, thinking she’d listen to me). I finally called Nava and told her of the pending moving out, the pending divorce, all of it. She said she was sorry, but that’s about it.

My first night in the apartment, I got drunk, very drunk, intentionally. Since then, i go into each day smiling, ready for what awaits me. I’m not dating yet, I will wait (yes, I’m aware of the irony) until I’m fully divorced. I enjoy this clean break… I enjoy my kids… I enjoy my 2nd job… I enjoy life.

I still love Nava. I still care for Divo, she’s the mother of my kids. I hope they are both happy…

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Today

I saw Nava today. We were both volunteering at the same location… exactly as we did 3 years ago. So bittersweet as this may be the last time I see her.  I’ll no longer be volunteering there.  We live in the same neighborhood, only blocks from each other, but still.. Her one and only phrase to me? “Sometimes we all stay where we are because we feel we are stuck there, there’s always a reason.” Not sure if that was about me, her, us…

Done rambling. Thanks for reading

I made it

Somehow, for some reason, I made it. Apparently, according to the surgeon, it was bigger and badder than he anticipated, but I made it. In fact? His skill and my.. hrm.. my ethic (almost a laughable word to use on this blog) had me home 97 hours after I woke up despite being told I’d be in the hospital 2-3 weeks.  No idea how or why I survived, maybe I’ll figure it out.

Surprisingly, Nava didn’t come see me.. Oh, well, there’s always next time. 🙂

 

Death

In a few weeks, I will be having a major, “very risky” (according to the surgeon) surgery. I knew it was coming, but it is far more intense than I thought it was going to be. My wife? She doesn’t seem to really care. I think that’s her coping mechanisim – denial. She jokes about it, but this is actually pretty serious. I’m not scared of death, at all. There’s many days I wish I wouldn’t wake up, as I’ve said.  I’m scared of not leaving things, my family prepared though, taken care of. I’m scared of the unknown. I’m scared of being in worse pain after the surgery.

I talked to Nava, I HAD to talk to Nava and let her know of it. She said she would pray for me. I said thanks, but wanted to say more. I wanted to say “It’s you, it’s always been YOU. I love you.” but I just said.. thanks.. and smiled.

Anyways, I could be more artistic or introspective, but don’t feel like it. Emotionally, mentally, physically, I really haven’t felt like much of anything – even sex. I just.. want.. to be done, with it all, and sometimes even with life. I just want it done. I want.. Nava.

Hrm…

I’ve wondered where all the affair bloggers from 2 years ago have gone, are at. Me? Still floundering like a fish out of water. I have my days where I want to not wake up, and my days where I want to destroy something beautiful. I have days I wish I could do my life over again, but then I also realize I’d do it all the same, exactly the same. I have days I feel okay with myself and days, I realize how much I royally fuck up everything I come in contact with. Regardless… every day.. I think of Nava, even fucking still, I think of her.

 

Where Have I Been?

To be honest.. I don’t know. ::sigh:: Where do I begin this update?

I haven’t spoken with Nava since last August… until a week ago. We just passed each other in the hall at school, but it was enough for me to see her hurt, her pain. She won’t tell me, but I can just see it, feel it. Naturally, I had one of those dreams of her a few days later where I wake up in tears.. not because of the dream, but because it WAS just a dream.  I think I’m pretty much over her… until shit like this and then realize I could very easily be back in her arms.. However, now I know I will just always be a stop-gap for her and will never be anything more.

My wife and I… Hmm. Well, we got each other our VD cards for the 14th. Having fought the night before, she deliberately didn’t open mine until noon.. I wrote apologies and how I’m a shit husband, etc… she simply signed her name. This August will be 2 years of me sleeping on the couch. We’ve talked about divorce a couple of times. She brought it up both times, and somehow, by the end of the convo, I was apologizing for bringing it up – I’ll let you figure that one out.

Soon, one of my favorite bands is coming to town (song below). That was my Christmas gift from my wife. This will be hard as this was THE band I listened to nonstop when Nava left me.  Not sure how to feel about this.. is it a date? ::shrug::

Still not sure what my future holds. I took a break from the blogworld, and not officially sure I’m back, to sort some things out.. but that’s Where I’ve Been… Carry on, people, nothing to see here.

 

Crumbs of Love

I haven’t posted anything in a long, long time and probably have no followers and that’s okay.. I didn’t start all of this shit ass journey for followers. My life is still the same… living as I can, sleeping on the couch, being happy for the kids… yet still in love with a married woman. It’s been 505 days since we were last together, but who the fuck is counting?  Enjoy this beautiful song…

Oh, and I’m sorry…to whomever

Haunted

I have been haunted this week. I was haunted with Nava’s words as I got sucked into the vortex of reading old emails. I was haunted by hopes of Nava based on a subconscious dream I had, but what a beautiful dream. And, today, I am haunted by this song, “I can’t take my mind off of you.” The last line makes me laugh every time though. I get it, I do, but it still makes me laugh. I’ve been told multiple times that I am either primed for another affair or should have another affair, but that last line, the irony of it makes me smile. Still, beautiful lyrics, voice and music… Enjoy.